Addressing things I shouldn’t have seen in the first place
On Twitter today I was directed to a message board full of hatred and nastiness about myself and people I love. I don’t read these things generally because I know better but I clicked the link without thinking and read enough before closing the window. I’ve been alerted to this particular board before because of all of the negativity they spew but chose to ignore it. I’m writing this post not for them but for the apparent “hearts broken” over a picture of me wearing an engagement ring and walking a carpet with my fiance.
I’ve wanted to write about this situation for a long time but had to figure it out for myself first. I haven’t figured it out yet but it feels like it’s time.
I was in a relationship that I thought was the one. When it ended I was crushed, can’t get up off the floor crushed. It made it worse that she continued a relationship with the woman she connected with at my birthday party while we were still together. I was hung up on how unfair it all was and bitter for a long time. I dated some wonderful women during that time but I wasn’t emotionally ready to drink a cup of tea much less go out with someone. There was one who came around right at the first flicker of light in the tunnel. She was getting over someone too. She wasn’t quite as far along as I was and really wasn’t ready to be dating so she cut me loose.
After that I relaxed into the idea of being alone. After all that hurt I figured it was time to take the hint it seemed that the universe had been trying to give me and call it quits. I had crushes here and there but ignored them in favor of my alone time. I focused on my work and my art and my writing. I signed up for a workshop and on to do a play. I liked focusing on my life, especially after the heavy handed relationships I tended to get myself into.
Then I met someone. That someone is a man.
At first I tried to ignore my feelings because they didn’t make any sense. Then I tried to flat out deny them because I didn’t want to have them. Then I finally gave in because people kept reminding me that “the heart wants what the heart wants”. Most people float on pink clouds in the beginning and lose sleep thinking about their new person. I lost sleep because I knew that I would have to “come out” all over again.
I have a very dear friend who spent her life with women. She never even kissed a man until she fell in love with one. Her lesbian friends said they felt betrayed and uncomfortable. They ostracized her and shut her out. I didn’t want that future. At first only my family and a few close friends knew. I actually lied and told someone at a party that I was single rather than tell them there was a man in my life. I thought the feelings might blow over even though deep down I knew they wouldn’t. I actually prayed one day that they would disappear but they didn’t.
One by one I started telling people either while crying or looking at the ground. And one by one the people in my life hugged me and gave me their love and support. I have good people. I still felt, though, that I was leaving an exclusive club and by doing so was turning in my key and secret password. I felt like I had failed.
I’ve seen so many lesbians eat their own in situations like this. They get angry and tear the woman apart for falling in love. Sometimes you can’t help it. Sometimes you do and say what feels right when it’s right. Maybe that’s wrong, I don’t know. I DO know that when I came out as a lesbian it was my truth. It still is, though now I prefer queer. I never saw the possibility of ever being with a man again. The idea was repulsive to me. What was I supposed to say?
Not to be all, “why can’t we all just get along”, but why the hell can’t we all just get along? As people we want to be accepted and to turn against each other and tear each other down for doing what is right for us personally is exactly what the nay sayers want. As long as we’re turning our energy inward at our own we aren’t worrying about the bigger issues, hello bigotry, hate, and prejudice.
Ultimately no one knows what the future will bring. I know several people who spent years never being attracted to a member of the same sex only to turn around and commit their lives to someone who shares their gender and vice versa. There are no guarantees, period, and while I’m sorry if I have caused anyone pain, I continue to stand by my word. I also hope that if one of your friends finds themselves in my situation you will give them your unconditional love and support. Because they will need it. Trust me.