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Addressing things I shouldn’t have seen in the first place

May 22, 2012

On Twitter today I was directed to a message board full of hatred and nastiness about myself and people I love. I don’t read these things generally because I know better but I clicked the link without thinking and read enough before closing the window. I’ve been alerted to this particular board before because of all of the negativity they spew but chose to ignore it. I’m writing this post not for them but for the apparent “hearts broken” over a picture of me wearing an engagement ring and walking a carpet with my fiance.

I’ve wanted to write about this situation for a long time but had to figure it out for myself first. I haven’t figured it out yet but it feels like it’s time.

I was in a relationship that I thought was the one. When it ended I was crushed, can’t get up off the floor crushed. It made it worse that she continued a relationship with the woman she connected with at my birthday party while we were still together. I was hung up on how unfair it all was and bitter for a long time. I dated some wonderful women during that time but I wasn’t emotionally ready to drink a cup of tea much less go out with someone. There was one who came around right at the first flicker of light in the tunnel. She was getting over someone too. She wasn’t quite as far along as I was and really wasn’t ready to be dating so she cut me loose.

After that I relaxed into the idea of being alone. After all that hurt I figured it was time to take the hint it seemed that the universe had been trying to give me and call it quits. I had crushes here and there but ignored them in favor of my alone time. I focused on my work and my art and my writing. I signed up for a workshop and on to do a play. I liked focusing on my life, especially after the heavy handed relationships I tended to get myself into.

Then I met someone. That someone is a man.

At first I tried to ignore my feelings because they didn’t make any sense. Then I tried to flat out deny them because I didn’t want to have them. Then I finally gave in because people kept reminding me that “the heart wants what the heart wants”. Most people float on pink clouds in the beginning and lose sleep thinking about their new person. I lost sleep because I knew that I would have to “come out” all over again.

I have a very dear friend who spent her life with women. She never even kissed a man until she fell in love with one. Her lesbian friends said they felt betrayed and uncomfortable. They ostracized her and shut her out. I didn’t want that future. At first only my family and a few close friends knew. I actually lied and told someone at a party that I was single rather than tell them there was a man in my life. I thought the feelings might blow over even though deep down I knew they wouldn’t. I actually prayed one day that they would disappear but they didn’t.

One by one I started telling people either while crying or looking at the ground. And one by one the people in my life hugged me and gave me their love and support. I have good people. I still felt, though, that I was leaving an exclusive club and by doing so was turning in my key and secret password. I felt like I had failed.

I’ve seen so many lesbians eat their own in situations like this. They get angry and tear the woman apart for falling in love. Sometimes you can’t help it. Sometimes you do and say what feels right when it’s right. Maybe that’s wrong, I don’t know. I DO know that when I came out as a lesbian it was my truth. It still is, though now I prefer queer. I never saw the possibility of ever being with a man again. The idea was repulsive to me. What was I supposed to say?

Not to be all, “why can’t we all just get along”, but why the hell can’t we all just get along? As people we want to be accepted and to turn against each other and tear each other down for doing what is right for us personally is exactly what the nay sayers want. As long as we’re turning our energy inward at our own we aren’t worrying about the bigger issues, hello bigotry, hate, and prejudice.

Ultimately no one knows what the future will bring. I know several people who spent years never being attracted to a member of the same sex only to turn around and commit their lives to someone who shares their gender and vice versa. There are no guarantees, period, and while I’m sorry if I have caused anyone pain, I continue to stand by my word. I also hope that if one of your friends finds themselves in my situation you will give them your unconditional love and support. Because they will need it. Trust me.

73 Comments leave one →
  1. May 22, 2012 12:17 am

    I think it’s so hard. Just… in general. Coming out is so difficult. You want to feel like you belong to some specific “thing.” I think a lot of people see it somehow as a betrayal–taking the easy way out. Going back to the safe normalcy of heterosexual privilege. But really as much as we try to proclaim that we should love who we love, that often seems to only apply in certain situations. I can completely understand how it must feel to be a part of this group, and then for something you can’t control, the group suddenly turns against you. I mean, that’s what coming out is, isn’t it? Fear of the group turning against you, just a different group. Trying to find your place in the world, in a world full of people who fit in a different, more populated place.

    I really am of the idea that sexuality is fluid. I don’t think anyone can be 100% fool-proof on either end. I consider myself a lesbian and can’t envision myself being in a relationship with a man, but that doesn’t mean I don’t find some men attractive. I can’t rule out that I will never fall in love with a man. Maybe somewhere there is a guy that fits everything I am looking for in a person. I’m not looking for any sort of relationship with a man, but if I ever happened into one, I know I would feel many of the things you feel. This weird sort of guilt–comparable to when you first realise that maybe you’re gay.

    I just think we need to get out of this cycle of judgement and just be happy for people who have found someone they want to be with. Really, isn’t more love in the world a good thing??

  2. Nichole Walker permalink
    May 22, 2012 12:23 am

    I think as long as you are true to yourself and whomever you are dating that is all that matters. Your true friends will only want to see you happy. I know it is easier to say than to practice but don’t worry about what anyone else thinks. They have their own lives to live and if they are trying to live yours for you they can’t be doing to well with their own. Some people get so caught up on what someone is or isn’t doing. Why can’t we all just do what makes us happy. If your happiness is causing someone else pain or heart break then I have to believe that they really didn’t care about you to begin with. Why is it that people get more joy out of seeing someone down instead of happy?

  3. Shannon permalink
    May 22, 2012 12:23 am

    Bravo. Cheers to you and your happiness. Love is love. Be happy.

  4. May 22, 2012 12:26 am

    Kudos to you. I have so much more respect for you. You did not fail anyone at all. You did not fail yourself. Everyone spends so much time trying to shout at the top of their lungs for equality, yet they leave some of their own in the dust as they do so. Focus on being happy and being true to yourself, and the rest will fall into place.

  5. May 22, 2012 12:28 am

    Congrats! Don’t let those Internet commenters get to you. In environments like that, biases and biphobia (or queerphobia or phobia of anything not black and white, whatever) can spread like wildfire. Whomever you marry, man or woman, you have been an outspoken ally and member of the LGBT community and we shouldn’t feel entitled to more.

    Again, congrats and best wishes!

  6. Charlotte Whitehead permalink
    May 22, 2012 12:29 am

    I’m just a fan, who you’re with has bugger all to do with me. Glad you’ve found someone though.

    Just think though, if there’s a forum of negativity about you then in theory that makes you as big as twilight.

  7. May 22, 2012 12:33 am

    I’ve never seen the board and I’m sorry people are jerks. This is pretty much what it feels like to be a lesbian conservative 😉 I felt like we kind of touched on this whole concept at the Elements Chicago gig and would’ve loved to have delved deeper but I think we can all agree the time was too short. Anyway, I remember people being generally open-minded in that setting.

    My best unsolicited advice is to reject the “I’m sorry” part of your story because there’s very little possibility your relationship choices cause anyone pain. Perhaps you feel bad about the people you lied to, but that’s not real pain, and it’s easily amended by the truth, which you’ve bravely provided here.

    • Clementine Ford permalink*
      May 22, 2012 9:45 pm

      Thank you and you’re right, we did almost get there. Maybe next time.

      • Rebecca permalink
        August 25, 2012 10:44 am

        So, did you not actually love your first husband?

      • Clementine permalink*
        December 6, 2012 11:32 pm

        I did love him, very much.

  8. Julie permalink
    May 22, 2012 12:33 am

    Wow. I have been guilty of this judgement. And at first probably was of you. But jesus this had got to be so hard for you especially in your position, with all your fans,including me. But your happiness and joy doesn’t begin and end in an hour sitcom. And we dont know you. We barely know this one character you played. You deserve your happiness and your right to answer to no one. Good luck to you and him on your journey. Im gay, im a fan, and I dont care who you love as long as you love.

  9. iliveinmyheadmostofthetime permalink
    May 22, 2012 12:36 am

    More people in this world need to think like you. Whether you are dating a woman or a man, you are still the same woman that you always were. To quote a favorite childhood book, Trying Hard To Hear You, “as long as you love instead of hate, what does it matter who you love?” There are many of us who will love and support you no matter what.

  10. Ginger Miller permalink
    May 22, 2012 12:38 am

    I couldn’t agree more, Clementine! Why anyone feels they have to right to tear you down for doing what you feel is the best for you (and obviously is not negatively affecting their life, whatsoever) blows my mind. You have to remain true to yourself. There are very very few certainties in this world, and it drives me crazy when people believe that just because one thing is said, it is the only way it will ever be. I can understand your feelings, but take PRIDE in being who you are! Your true friends will show their love and support and stand by you, and remove anyone who doesn’t from your life! They’re not worth your time and worry!

  11. Reality Check permalink
    May 22, 2012 12:38 am

    You were repulsed by the idea of being with a man again despite the fact you were married to one previously for four years? Spare us the bullshit, you lied about being a lesbian despite knowing you were bisexual all along. Vile.

    • Clementine Ford permalink*
      May 22, 2012 9:47 pm

      You have no idea what I knew or didn’t but you are more than welcome to decide what you want. I hope you find love and security in your own life.

      • Helen permalink
        August 2, 2012 4:59 am

        Pay no attention to that person. Some people are just unhappy and do their best to bring others down with them. I married my husband at 17, and we’ve been married for 27 years now. We had a lot of naysayers, but we are still together against the odds! No matter who you’re with, the key to having a lasting relationship is to be an open book, always be best friends (over any other friends), don’t go to bed angry…always work it through the hump…don’t give up on each other. Be intimate! Not just sexually, but everything…see each other at your worst and most personal moments. He should know your cycle and you should know if he’s constipated…lol! Sounds crazy, but it’s true. Those things will make your bond closer. Congratulations…I wish you every bit of happiness that you deserve!

  12. deb permalink
    May 22, 2012 12:53 am

    i love you unconditionally, but you already know that. i’m proud of you, as i was the day you came out to me, for always knowing who you are.

  13. Lacee Aderhold permalink
    May 22, 2012 1:01 am

    I don’t care what “parts” the love of your life has, as long as the heart is only for you. 😉

    So happy you’ve found happiness.

  14. Clevergirl92701 permalink
    May 22, 2012 1:08 am

    This was so well written, and touched a range of feeling and emotions that many of us have experienced in life. I agree with the previous poster, that apologies are unnecessary. The people who really love and respect you, will recognize your grace and value, no matter who you are with. Happiness and love are positive things, hatred and judgement are not. Embrace your life, and the positive energy you emit. It will infect all around you.

  15. May 22, 2012 1:12 am

    You’re not alone. I have liked some guys, I have liked some girls. Sometimes I have liked them at the same time, sometimes not. The few friends I have told this to find this confusing. Fortunately, no one knows who I am, so instead of being reamed over the blogosphere, they just simply stopped talking to me about anything to do with dating.

    They assume I must be confused. I am not. I know what I feel. The only thing that’s confusing is trying to find the right word to scribble on a name tag that says “HELLO I’m gay/straight/bisexual/fluid/asexual/hypersexual/sometimes i am sometimes sexual.”

    Some people may call you bisexual, some people may call you a traitor, but all you need to call yourself is “in love.” Surely your fiance wouldn’t find it sufficient for you to say “I love you because I’m no longer gay.” You love him because you love *him.* That’s all that matters. People will be confused, but you should never feel you have to be.

    Keep on keeping on,
    a gay/straight/bisexual/fluid/asexual/hypersexual/sometimes i am sometimes sexual

  16. Amy permalink
    May 22, 2012 1:25 am

    Oh my God, I so know what you are going through. I am a lesbian, but damn it, I married a gay man. A man who has been my best friend for over 22 years. I COMPLETELY understand the whole coming out process again, granted my situation is a little different. It still pissed me off every time I have to explain myself. I hope you get everything you want out of life, including a fantastic relationship, with whomever it may be. I think he’s pretty lucky! You know what, I’m pretty lucky too.


  17. Kay permalink
    May 22, 2012 1:51 am

    It’s sad that you should even have to write this. It’s very well written and it conveys what must have been a monstrous struggle in a very real, relatable way. But it saddens me that people are so eager to tear each other down. Love is love. No matter the gender you find it with, enjoy. Best of luck to you both.

  18. May 22, 2012 3:47 am

    This is why so many lesbians hate bisexuals. A lot of them LIE about who they are and label themselves lesbians and when they know full well they are attracted to men. You and your kind are all disgusting.

    • Clementine Ford permalink*
      May 22, 2012 9:49 pm

      Wow. Thank you so much for that lovely, well thought out comment.

    • kim permalink
      May 22, 2012 10:43 pm

      You and your kind? Really? Who needs to get a grip on reality here???? If people would only live their own lives with half as much “enthusiasm” that they use for hurting other people….there would be MORE people happy to be loved….period!!!

  19. Erin permalink
    May 22, 2012 4:04 am

    I’m not sure why people would take this so personally? Sure, it’s always disappointing when a really cool spokesperson for equal rights ‘steps down’ so to speak, but not enough so to be so mean spirited and close minded to not try to understand that we all have different paths and to wish another person all the best in their life whether we agree/disagree/like/dislike etc.
    You are an actor/writer who happens to have been generously open about your sexuality and decisions, but foremost, you are a person who has feelings & I can imagine you must have felt apprehensive about the backlash. I wish you nothing but the best both professionally and personally and a big congratulations to you too : )

  20. Kelly permalink
    May 22, 2012 5:15 am

    Beautifully written. Congrats!

  21. Erada permalink
    May 22, 2012 5:31 am

    The anger is because you came out as a lesbian. If you had stayed the ‘I don’t believe in labels’ route or just said that you were queer or just admitted that you were bisexual (No, bisexual is not a dirty word and I wish people would just embrace it) no one would have cared.

    Don’t get me wrong, tearing you apart and name calling is not okay and not understandable. But taking issue with all the women who make a mockery of what it means to be a lesbian is. Coming out as a lesbian and then going back to men vindicates the bigots. True lesbians (and I mean lesbian in a sexual identity way, not a ‘I’m a lesbian and I’m attracted to men!’ fake way) always have to deal with the bigots telling us all we need to be raped straight, or we just didn’t find the right man, or we are too ugly to get a man, or we are afraid of men, or we are man haters, or it’s just a phase and we will grow out of it, or, or, or. So being irked by yet another woman who claimed to be a lesbian and is now going to get married to a man is something to be expected.

    • May 23, 2012 4:42 am

      Labels really are the problem, aren’t they?

      At the Elements event I mentioned above, I raised my hand to suggest that “labels are important for self-identity, and detrimental to social identity.” ( And that’s where we are here, with Clementine’s blog and your response.

      It seems that Clementine felt the need to find a personal identity that acknowledged her preference for women. And it’s actually pretty wonderful that she was willing to present her authentic sense of self to the world–considering she has a few more eyes on her than [probably you and] I do.

      But when it comes to social identity–not sexual identity, which I assume is akin to politics–we have no right to derive absolute expectations of anyone. Who am I to expect one single thing of Clementine or you or my mom or the bus driver?

      So when you write about “the bigots” winning, you’re joining their winning team. What is bigotry except an unfair expectation of someone based on a transient label? I once was young; I’ll soon be old. I’ve grown as I’ve aged, but I am absolutely me all the time–certainly in the present.

      Inasmuch as you expect a lesbian to be with a woman, maybe you shouldn’t. Just like maybe a lesbian who isn’t with a woman shouldn’t have to expect other people to “be irked” about it.

      • Joss permalink
        June 5, 2012 1:00 am

        Haters are the problem. People who expect other people to live their lives to fulfill their desires.

      • ami permalink
        August 3, 2012 10:32 am

        Celebrities create visibility. Without visibility, we would become invisible in the mass of straight people (who don’t need labels for themselves, because they are overwhelming majority and their experience is simply forced as the norm).
        Lesbians are tiny sexual minority. So even one celebrity coming out as lesbian makes big difference. Sadly, it has also side effect. It also makes big difference when such person turns out to not be the one she said she is. Especially while it matches so perfectly harming stereotypes about lesbians. Bigots may use it against them from now on – another proof that being lesbian is only a phase, just wait until you find the right guy who will turn you.

        Of course, it’s bigots to blame first and foremost, but I just hope that people would be more responsible when publicly claiming a label, research the subject of sexuality first and look where they stand (as like in this case, it looks like that was to be expected if you had any knowledge on that topic), because we’re not lonely islands, each particular case creates a part of lesbian visibility and it affects lives every person claiming the same label.

  22. Laura permalink
    May 22, 2012 7:16 am

    I’m assuming that board is xxxx which Kate Moennig refered to last year “a place of cruelty”. Anyway, I’m sorry you’re getting shit from the lesbian community =( I hope you’ll be happy.

    • Laura permalink
      May 23, 2012 3:23 pm

      I see you edited my post. Sorry, It was stupid of me to name the baord.

  23. Anonymous permalink
    May 22, 2012 11:42 am

    I’ve never seen that board until now. People vent online and say things all the time without knowing. I’ve been guilty of bringing up questions about people (politicians, actors, etc.) in forums because I’ve wondered what their motives are, but I’ve never understood why some people are so angry and vitriolic without knowing the whole story.

    I agree with the commenter down below that lesbians often see these things as a betrayal. Gay marriage is still banned in 33 states and it’s still very hard for a lot of people to live and be who they are without feeling different. I think they feel like they’ve lost an ally, but it’s really not about you. I’m willing to wager that if they met you they’d be totally happy for you.

    What I’m trying to get at is, don’t take it personally because it’s not about you.

  24. 50fembots permalink
    May 22, 2012 12:01 pm

    You are beautiful, in so many ways. Thank you for sharing.

  25. Anonymous permalink
    May 22, 2012 1:40 pm

    Out of curiosity…what is the pink nail polish on your middle finger for in that picture?

    • Clementine permalink*
      May 23, 2012 2:55 am

      I have no idea. It’s actually orange, the color of MS awareness month. (Which happens to be May.) I had tried it on the finger and then just left it.

  26. Christine permalink
    May 22, 2012 10:00 pm

    Well said!!!!!! You followed your heart…nobody should ever make you feel bad about that.

  27. kim permalink
    May 22, 2012 10:34 pm

    Well said. Thank you. Good luck to you…God bless…

  28. John Andrews permalink
    May 22, 2012 10:42 pm

    Congratulations Clementine. The LGT community needs to be more inclusive of the B in LGBT. Cyrus is adorable… and I don’t blame any lesbian, bisexual women, former lesbian whatever… for wanting to grab him up any more than a straight woman or gay man, like me would want to. You go gurl… and all the best to you. BTW have loved your mom since I was a little gay boy watching Moonlighting and wish you just as equally fulfilling career. And also don’t care what the critics say… loved you as the grand dame’s granddaughter and would love to see you back on Y&R anyday… if Maria Bell and the writers would just give you decent story.

    • Erada permalink
      May 23, 2012 3:46 am

      “and I don’t blame any lesbian, bisexual women, former lesbian whatever… for wanting to grab him up any more than a straight woman or gay man”

      You can use ‘bisexual women, former lesbian’. Lesbians aren’t attracted to men, you see, so no way a lesbian would want anything to do with the lovely Cyrus.

      Sorry to be nitpicky, I just like accuracy 😛

  29. Kelly permalink
    May 22, 2012 11:16 pm

    I happened across you at the Bootleg and had to go back for a second show – you blew the walls off that place…I remember looking around and wondering “Is everybody else seeing this?” This is a tough town and I hope keep working/writing/acting with great zeal and delight – from the audience it feels like you’re just at the beginning of where of your talent will lead.

    Thank you for your work in the community and for equality – in particular with GLSEN. By standing up, then and now, your voice gives refuge, hope, and connection where it is so needed.

    It amazes me that people don’t get that when they open their mouths or sit down at their computers and spew out negativity, hatred, et al, they are actually telling the world about themselves, not who or what they are targeting…and this all seems like something akin to rhetoric from a gay wing of the Westboro Church. Ugh(ly).

    Much peace, love, and light to you and yours

    P.S. If you haven’t already or need a moment of distraction: Lena Dunham’s Fresh Air interview from early May…she really is that brilliant.

  30. Kristen permalink
    May 22, 2012 11:30 pm

    Congratulations on your engagement! You love who you love! All that is important is that you are happy! Love to you!

  31. May 22, 2012 11:54 pm

    You did not fail anyone at all. You did not fail yourself. Everyone spends so much time trying to shout at the top of their lungs for equality, yet they leave some of their own in the dust as they do so. Focus on being happy and being true to yourself, and the rest will fall into place.

  32. May 22, 2012 11:54 pm

    Kudos to you. I have so much more respect for you. You did not fail anyone at all. You did not fail yourself. Everyone spends so much time trying to shout at the top of their lungs for equality, yet they leave some of their own in the dust as they do so. Focus on being happy and being true to yourself, and the rest will fall into place.

  33. May 23, 2012 1:45 am

    We love who we love. Good for you.

  34. julie permalink
    May 23, 2012 3:15 am

    Thanks for sharing what is truly no one’s business but your own. Be proud of your love and who you love regardless of anyone else’s opinion. It sickens me that some folks feel it necessary to be hateful and ugly. I don’t know why some lesbians can’t live and let live. The hypocrisy is mind numbing. But don’t let the haters bother you, they aren’t your friends, probably not your fans, and they will move on like the rodents they are. Congrats on your engagement.

  35. May 23, 2012 5:18 am

    The reaction of these people is absolutely fascinating. Why do you waste your energy reacting to their obvious serious psychological issues? They make us lesbians look like a bunch of low life psychos. Don’t ever justify yourself for that again! Instead, you should post pictures of you making out with your fiance 😉

  36. Anonymous permalink
    May 23, 2012 10:37 am

    I think this is an interesting discussion because if anything it points out how many people look to public figures (hate the word celebrity) to define society. Some people are afraid that whoever you date will affect human/gay rights for everybody. Nobody has that much influence.

    Congruations Ms. Ford. Hopefully one day we’ll all have the right to marry the person we love and no one will feel different or alienated and they’ll be no gay/straight, whatever. Just people.

  37. May 23, 2012 5:19 pm

    Sorry you’re having to go through all this. I wish you and your fiance a lot of happiness.

  38. yoyop permalink
    May 24, 2012 1:38 am

    No one chooses who to love, just feel. Then we have to follow what your heart says.
    And tolerance has to be for everyone, but we seem to criticize both the same. Asking them to understand us if we do not understand others.
    Well, congratulations.

    PS1: sorry for the wording, is that little English.
    PD2: anything, in Argentina the girls waiting for you 🙂

  39. Anonymous permalink
    May 24, 2012 3:24 am

    My question is what kind of response did you expect when you claimed you were a lesbian, and now you are engaged to a man. Would it not have been better to have come out as being bisexual because wouldn’t that have made this whole situation a moot point.

    Everyone deserves to be happy and I hope you are and wish you the best but I’m a lesbian that has put up with the snide remarks that “oh its just a phase” or “she hasn’t found the right man yet”. I wont say some of the more vulgar things but when some people see when this kind of thing happens, I get agitated.

    I’m not here to bash or insult but it seems you should have responded sooner rather then later.

  40. cody permalink
    May 25, 2012 3:43 pm

    The fact you even had to address something in your personal life is a bit ridiculous but good for you. I don’t understand why people are so hateful or the stigmatism attached to those who choose to live their life without labels. We as human beings are constantly evolving and changing. Where we find ourselves one day is not necessarily where we will be the next day. As a lesbian, I don’t understand the anger or hatred to those who love who they want. Love is love.

  41. May 26, 2012 5:22 am

    Congratulations on your engagement, Clementine! I think you make a beautiful couple!

  42. Lee permalink
    May 27, 2012 7:46 pm

    I’ve really thought about your most recent post quite a bit. If you are sitting there for one second feeling guilty/bad about the great thing that just happened to you, please don’t. This really should be a great time for you guys. Finding the right person to be with is the most difficult thing in the world…so if you find it…rejoice!

    I imagine that as you have told your story to your friends, it has been soooo difficult, but I bet you have found many people who have the same story. Its kind of like when you go through an awful breakup and start telling your “the worst break up story ever” and then it turns into others telling you a story about their own life/breakup and how bad it was too. Then the story stops being about you and how sad you are and turns into how sad they were…Its actually kind of funny because I don’t think any of these negative comments are even about you…they are about the people writing them.

    We all have such similar experiences. I am the opposite of you in that I have always been with men, never really thought about women and then fell in love with one! Freaked me out! I think I was actually in shock for the first year. The first six months seemed like some sort of bizarre & alternate universe. Its been five years, and I still don’t think I have figured out logically how it happened but we are very happy. I think its okay not to understand things…atleast love type of things because they never really make sense anyway. Whatever has happened is just part of who you are and its okay!

    Its like a great quote from Hannah from Girls: “I can’t take a serious naked picture of myself , its just not who I am.” Then the nutso boyfriend says, “Just be who you are.” How about that for a quote! Good luck!

  43. miss gainsbourg permalink
    May 30, 2012 8:59 pm

    You should not apologize to anyone. CONGRATULATIONS!
    And changing the conversation’s subject, congratulations to your mum too, for being one of the cutest actresses ever and for having chosen the most beautiful name for you, Clementine.

  44. Joss permalink
    June 5, 2012 12:54 am

    Congratulations on finding love. That’s what matters. Be happy.


    I’m looking forward to seeing you in your next project.

  45. Jen permalink
    June 5, 2012 3:00 am

    It stinks that you have to even address this. Really in the end who does it matter who you fall in love with? I mean isn’t that what we are all really fighting for? The right to love who we want to. I do not get all the hate for people. A good friend of mine was a lesbian for 50 years when her partner died she thought she would never love again. She fell in love with a man. It totally sent her for a loop. She had never been attracted to or kissed a man before. She has been with him for 3 years and is very happy. She still considers herself a lesbian.

    I wish you nothing but the best!

  46. Stephanie (@stephaniem99) permalink
    June 6, 2012 9:53 pm

    Ugh…here I go…I’ve found myself in situations similar to yours on more than one occasion. As cliche as it may sound, society as a whole needs to stop trying to fit people into these tiny boxes (lables) so that THEY can feel comfortable and so THEY can understand who you are attracted to and why. The whole idea of “coming out” regardless of your sexuality is one of the most frustrating things to me. Love who you love, be attracted to who your attracted to, nothing else matters. If people didn’t make such a big deal about sexuality, there wouldn’t even be such a thing as coming out. I realize we’re still a long way from that day but I am glad to see there are more people like you and I with the same rationale. I refuse to put myself in any of those boxes to make someone else feel okay. Why should I limit myself? I’m just someone who follows her heart. If that’s not a good enough “explanation” then oh well. It’s their issue, not mine. For what it’s worth, I think you’re incredibly talented and you’re still one of my favorite writers (as much as I love your acting, I really love your writing!) regardless of who you spend your life with. Also, you owe no apologies to anyone for finding love and happiness =) xoxo

  47. Megan permalink
    June 13, 2012 5:45 pm

    Wow. This scenario always amazes me. The same people who a few years ago invited you to Pride events to celebrate the message that all love is beautiful and that we are all different and should be free to love in our own way free of judgment now turn around and hurl stones at you for doing just that. Clementine, those who attack you do so out of their own insecurity. As you have probably experienced, few of us are ever 100% confident in our own skin and that is compounded when you are gay. For me – I am 37, have been in a committed relationship for 10 years (can’t get married in Virginia but we had a ceremony – I always tell people it was for the presents 😉 and my partner and I have 2 children that I gave birth to with the help of a known donor. People look at us and think we have it together and are the quintessential confident and proud gay family. Most of the time, we are – or try to be. But I am more easily rattled than I like to admit. Sometimes when flipping around the channels on the radio I’ll land on some fire and brimstone sermon telling me that I am an abomination and I sit there and actually think – “oh crap – maybe I am.” In my logical mind and heart of hearts I know this is not true, but it is hard when so much of society (and the lovely folks who have posted above me on your blog) tell you being who you are is wrong. So, I imagine when people, (lesbians mostly,) popped open their browser and saw you on the red carpet with Cyrus, their reaction was “oh no, one less person to make me feel like I am okay.” I think that is why lesbians are so possessive of other lesbians and so very harsh when a “lesbian” has a relationship with a man. I sort of get it – but it is so ugly and hypocritical. They should be ashamed. Walk with your head up high. You have found someone to love and who loves you and that is what we all hope for ourselves and others. The rest of them can. . .well, you know. I wish you all the best. Megan

  48. Candie permalink
    July 4, 2012 3:47 am

    I don’t think anyone has a right to judge you. What you choose to do, not do, say or don’t say is entirely up to you. If people can’t be respectful, then they don’t need to comment. Sure we’re entitled to our own opinions but like the saying goes, if you don’t have anything nice to say don’t say anything at all. You need to do what makes you happy, so it doesn’t matter who you’re with as long as you’re happy. Congratulations on your engagement 🙂

  49. Patricia permalink
    July 12, 2012 6:09 pm

    waste of time to discuss about that. you live only once and would like it to live like it. why you justify yourself? just the lesbians would even know enough about how it feels to be justified. There are many more important things in life. enjoy every day. He could be your last.

  50. Jenny Driscoll permalink
    July 31, 2012 11:22 pm

    I just recently found your blog. Honestly, I wasn’t really sure it was *you* until this post. I was talking with your dad a couple/three months ago and just now realized it was right around the time you actually posted this entry. Anyway, I was really happy for you and your dad and I were talking about your engagement and he said something that was damn near verbatim something you, yourself posted here. It absolutely resonated with me because it was so simple yet so honest. In the final analysis, you’re a good person and no matter what you do there will always be people who agree and people who don’t. As long as you can live with yourself, that’s the important thing. Be happy.

  51. Sarah permalink
    August 1, 2012 4:53 pm

    I don’t comment often on blogs, but just wanted to say I think I have stumbled on the thread you mention. The lows stooped to were unbelievable and I am so glad you have great support. You have supported gay rights and for that, thank you! You have found love and happiness, that’s lovely! Good on you! This is what most people strive for.
    The hypocrisy of some lesbians showing such hate is amazing to me. Is hetroaphobia a word? For you or any person to feel pressure and to suppress feelings for a man you are falling for due to a potential back lash, makes me sad as a lesbian who felt that way coming out. A human should be able to be themselves. How can people talk about wanting a tolerant equal society, when they themselves seem to want to divide and be hideous to people.
    People are entitled to opinion on subjects close to their hearts, but not show such venom. I’d say lesbians ranting and being vicious is more damaging than any perceived wrong doing one person can inflict on a ‘group.’ All they have done is pretty much walk smack into the doors of all lesbians are mad crazy people. That’s if any one else reads that stupid thread, which I doubt. I for one wish I hadn’t and won’t be repeating it.
    I’m rambling now. I enjoy your writing and the humour which shines through them. You’ve done well to keep this up with what must have been trying times. Look forward to more blogs and here’s to a happy, sod the silly buggers who have nothing better to do than contradict themselves, life!

  52. ami permalink
    August 3, 2012 10:12 am

    The problem is not a fact you have fallen for a man. The problem is a fact you declared yourself to be a lesbian. You were married to a man before, and given present situation, I assume it’s not that you were not attracted to this man. So you were not into women only, yet choose to identify as lesbian, now ending up with a man, and it all creates very big harm on lesbian visibility. You’re more or less public person. If you claimed to be a lesbian, and now you’re marrying a man, it’s a proof for many people, homophobes, but also lesbian teenagers struggling with their sexuality and their parents thinking that it may be just a “phase”, that lesbians can be turned by the right guy.

    No one would have any problem if you never said you’re gay, but queer/bi etc. You say it was your truth at the moment? If you would read anything about other people with such experience, you would know that it always comes back. There are countless examples of bisexual women who “fluctuate”, feel that they are not into men at the moment (usually at the beginning of the involvement with new female partner), but sooner or later attraction to men always comes back. And vice versa. And there are pretty much always indicators, including those lesbian identified women who were only with women before. So many women claiming that fantasies mean nothing, or watching (and being turned on by) gay male erotic movies means nothing.

    BTW, Amanda Collins in the first comment is not right about “sexual fluidity”. It’s actually defined scientific concept coined by Lisa Diamond, and her research shows that only those who are or ever were attracted sexually to both sexes to any degree are prone to this fluidity – in other words, it only affects people who are in fact bisexual. The only group that was solid in those longitudinal, more than 10 years studies, were women who were always exclusively sexually attracted to women (which doesn’t merely mean behaviour, but their whole sexual feelings). So it’s not true that such people don’t exist (btw, claiming that there are no 100% gay or straight people is the same thing as denying that bisexuals exist).

    Lisa Diamond also believes that “love” is potentially gender blind, unlike “lust” (there are other studies proving that love and lust are run by separated brain circuits), and only the latter in fact reflects orientation (as there are solid evidences that it is shaped in the womb). And that may be the reason why women seem to be generally less “solid” than men – because generally they don’t value sexual feelings as much, tending to base their sexual identities on emotional feelings – most of lesbian identified women in her study were sexually attracted to men, but they identified as lesbians because they believed that they could only fall in love with a woman. Through few years, majority of them ended up in loving relationships with men.

    It also means that a woman who’s exclusively attracted to women may fall in love with a man, but it would be completely platonic. Generally women who call themselves as “lesbian married to men” match that description – they say that they love their husbands, but are completely not attracted to them sexually.

  53. Mae permalink
    August 14, 2012 7:01 am

    I just accidentally came across your blog.

    Hugs to you, Clementine.

    And, no need to apologize.

    If a friend of mine in a similar situation as yours came up and told me that they had fallen in love, regardless of who it was, I would be very happy for them.

    I can also understand your fear of rejection when coming out again. When I was younger, I use to tell people what they want to hear for fear of rejection. When I got older and wiser, I realized that your true friends do not reject you for telling the truth.

    So, hugs to you, Clementine. Wishing you nothing but happiness and joy in both your personal and professional life.

  54. August 15, 2012 10:09 pm

    We don’t love “groups” (well, some Mormons do); we love individuals. Don’t worry about what a group thinks of your decision to love an individual, regardless of gender. Be thankful for the individuals in your life who love you and want you to be happy and experience love. Every relationship between two people is twice as unique as the two individuals involved.

    True, you were a beautiful shining light for the lesbian community to hold up. You’re still a beautiful shining light — for everyone, or each of us, to enjoy. Keep shining!

  55. December 29, 2012 5:40 pm

    Congratulations, Clementine, for living in your truth as it transforms and you grow and love and laugh. I’m sorry you feel the need to justify your identity to the public because of ignorant people. You will always be part of the queer community no matter who you are with. Much love, peace and blessings to you and yours. Anna Paquin and Evan Rachel Wood have also said really affirming things about queer and bisexual identity of late as they both married men but have dated and loved women. You are a role model for your authenticity, not your allegiance to any one community. xo

    • ami permalink
      January 6, 2013 3:59 pm

      I think the only problem most people had was a fact that Clementine came out as lesbian even though apparently she never was exclusively into women. And now it looks like a lesbian celebrity has been “turned” by guy, so it provides ammunition for “ex-gay” groups targeting people for “conversion therapy”. Which means that their arguments are more convincing, so more people, especially women, would listen to them and let them to destroy their lives.

      Even studies on “sexual fluidity” showed that only women who were always only into women sexually could be certain that they will never fall in love with a guy (or actually they could, because that whole Diamond’s “sexual fluidity theory” says that all people potentially could fall in love with anyone, but sexual orientation is sexual feelings alone – so when you’re not attracted to men sexually, you could only have platonic feelings for them).
      And that means that it would be better if only women who are certain that they are only into women choose lesbian label.

      • January 6, 2013 8:14 pm

        The only constant is change. Nothing is certain, least of all the heart. May all beings be free from suffering and find their peace.

      • ami permalink
        January 7, 2013 5:03 am

        There’s no much change, if those 10-years long studies on sexuality showed that only those who are attracted sexually to both to any point are prone to “fluidity” (so I would say it’s not exactly “sexual fluidity”, but rather “emotional, or romantic, fluidity”).

        Neurobiological findings suggest that sexuality is wired during prenatal time of development, when certain structures of the brain are “masculinized” or “feminized” (keep in mind that all those studies were focused on sexual aspect, which is important considering that Helen Fisher found that romantic feelings are run by completely different brain circuit – and separated studies show that majority of women tend to value much more romantic feelings when choosing their sexual identity, while men do the opposite – and that may be the reason why men look more “solid” – I’ve heard about lot of women who can fantasize sexually only about women, and have to do this even during sex with men, yet they identify as straight, and about lesbian identified women who have sex with men more often than with women, yet don’t think it has anything to do with their sexuality because they don’t believe they could ever fall in love with a man – in Diamond’s studies, most of such women actually fell in love with a man after few years).

        And it seems that the only thing that could change it (as those structures of hypothalamus don’t change postprenatally) is brain injuries (there were experiments on animals to show this, as well as some cases of people who underwent various accidents.

  56. Rachel K permalink
    June 20, 2013 12:43 pm

    Thank you for writing this. I just stumbled upon this post – had no idea that you were engaged and had to back up quite a bit. I’ve been in a haze – dumped by my 4 yr long GF who I left my husband for and then returned to him….needless to say, I FEEL every bit of what you wrote here. All I can say is…love…anyone and everyone. Just love.

  57. Gesa34 permalink
    August 13, 2013 11:18 am

    The amount of cruelty here amazes me. Who are we to judge who someone else loves? Who cares if she identified as a lesbian and married a man? Why are lesbians so quick to judge when one of their own jump ships and date the opposite sex? How many of you lesbians out there are dating women who identified themselves as straight before? Why does no one judge them? Because they are a part of the lgbt community now? My fiancé never dated women until she met me and no one cares. Why? Because she is happy.

    Love is love guys. Isn’t that what we are fighting for here with marriage equality? Who cares who she is dating/married to if she is happy? Worry about your own business.

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