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All these little moments sure do add up, don’t they?

January 7, 2014

It’s all happening. Not that I didn’t know it was happening before-I mean, duh-, but now it feels really real and really soon.

For years I’ve loved learning about pregnancy and birth. I read everything I could, watched everything I could, and asked as many questions as I could, hopefully without being creepy, of those who had been through it. I never got tired of it. Before I even found out I was pregnant I had a picture of what I wanted any possible future births to look like. At home, some time in a tub, with a midwife or two to help things go smoothly.

Then I married an obstetrician’s son.

We compromised and agreed on a hospital birth with my midwife of choice attending. I was sad and frankly a little scared. Never in my mind have hospitals and births gone together. Maybe for other people in extreme situations, but not for me. My midwife was amazing at calming my fears. It helped that she presided over the births of my brother and sister twenty six years ago. She also gave me my first pap smear a million years ago. I could work with this. We settled into a routine and everything was going fine. Until I got the phone call.

My savior, the woman who would make this scary hospital business more than okay had decided to retire. TWENTY FIVE DAYS BEFORE MY DUE DATE.


Things sort of screeched to a halt. She suggested I meet with the woman who would have been my back up doctor, but I didn’t make it that far. Straight away I called the doctor she used to work with who has been doing this for 40 plus years and will do it for 40 more, if he lives that long. If my midwife dream was squashed, he was the next best thing.

*I should note here just how unfair that is, calling him the “next best thing”. He is a spectacular doctor. Old school in the way that he never rushes and will sit and talk and answer any and all questions for as long as I (or Cyrus) needs. He believes that our bodies can be trusted and know what they’re doing.I adore him. He just isn’t her. (Okay, I feel totally guilty now.)

Appointments happened, I kept getting bigger, but things were just different. I’d let go of my ultrasound worries and let the doctor look around as much as he wanted to, which was a lot. I lost interest in the classes I had once been so excited about. And even when the midwife called and gave me the name of a doula- the ONLY doula that I should call given that “things [were] different now”, I wrote down the number and didn’t look at it again.

People ask often about the nursery. I never have an answer. There’s been nothing “baby” about it. Until this weekend I couldn’t even really envision a little person living in there. If not for the weekend January Cure assignment it would probably still be in the same state. (The assignment involved, among other things, properly cleaning all floors. I found myself not only picking things up to clean under them, but also giving things a home that didn’t have one. This little task gave me clarity AND a blank slate to start from. Now I see all baby all the time in there!)

Right after that (yesterday) I was on the phone with my mom. She asked how things were going and I started moaning about how I hadn’t toured the hospital, called the doula, or even researched birthing classes. She offered to schedule the tour, call the doula, and find a class. I said no. Something clicked in my brain. I am thirty four years old. am the mom. I can’t let her take care of these basic things. It’s time to get my shit together! 

And get my shit together I did. All tolled it took about 20 minutes and in that time it’s as though I pushed a fast forward button on my life that caught me up to where I need to be.

All this time I’ve been working on being present and coming back to my breath, but I couldn’t see that I was really living between the past and what I had once hoped would happen. Birth imaginings of a year ago were holding me back. Letting go and opening up to what is has released months of almost debilitating anxiety.

I like it here in the present reality. I think I’ll stay.

8 Comments leave one →
  1. Mary Beth permalink
    January 7, 2014 8:59 pm

    I don’t know you personally, but I’m right there with you in the present reality! There is about to be one very lucky little her or him coming into your reality, too. You’re going to be a great mom! You’ve already over thought things and created anxiety that you’ve worked your way through. All that’s left is to get this baby born and enjoy the wonder of all that comes your way!

    • Clementine permalink*
      January 9, 2014 3:49 pm

      Thank you for your kind words! xo

  2. Sara Newnes permalink
    January 9, 2014 10:14 am

    I really enjoyed reading your post – I have never met, and I mean met as in either physically or just read a blog :-), someone else with the same opinion as me on hospitals and birth. My family and friends have all given birth in hospitals and it’s quite frowned upon in my area to have your first birth at home -not that I knew that until I was pregnant and there was no going back. When my wife and I decided to have a baby there was no proper discussion about it, it was just assumed that I would give birth at home. I’m not sure why but luckily my midwife was fine with it.

    Turns out my midwife didn’t end up delivering our son and after a nice peaceful birth at home we had to go hospital anyway to be checked over as it hadn’t gone as smoothly as we hoped. It was all awesome though and I’d do it again tomorrow if I could even though it didn’t go to plan lol.

    • Clementine permalink*
      January 9, 2014 3:48 pm

      First, nice to meet you. 😉
      It’s funny, I was born in a hospital, as were all four of my siblings, presided over by midwives. (My mom had twins at 39, so there were doctors present-just in case.) I’m not sure where this perception came from, honestly. It just developed on it’s own. I’m so glad to hear everything worked out, regardless of your expectations. 🙂

      • Sara Newnes permalink
        January 11, 2014 12:44 pm

        That’s a lot of siblings :-)!
        I too was born in a hospital but I think I vaguely remember my mum saying she wanted to have me at home (I’m the youngest) and wasn’t allowed so maybe that’s where it came from with me. Or maybe it was just as simple as I’d always associated hospitals with accidents and illnesses, and didn’t see being pregnant as either 🙂

  3. January 11, 2014 10:35 am

    I really like this blog.. I do relate. I used to let my mom make a lot of my decisions, until I realized how I want to start taking control and power over my life.. Good for you. Having an involved mom is great thing, don’t get me wrong, but it is also important to make your own decisions. Thanks for writing your truth. I really enjoy reading it. lots of love


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