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Impending Fatherhood

February 4, 2014

I’ve asked Cyrus to write a post about his experience through this pregnancy. I was inspired by Alex’s side of the birth story post over at Cup of Jo. I think sometimes we focus so much on the pregnant woman that we forget there’s another person going through a massive life transition and for whom there aren’t millions of  books and classes about what they’re going through. I also thought it would be a nice break from me talking about pregnancy all the time!

***

I know Clementine is getting pretty tired of being pregnant. I can’t imagine what she is going through. I try but mostly that has just translated into an extra twenty pounds of sympathy weight, still nothing has been kicking me from the inside, squishing my lungs or giving me stretch marks (well maybe that one burrito at El Tepeyac). I’d say no one is keeping me up at night either but that’d be a lie. I’ve started snoring, so every night, Clementine races to try to fall asleep before me. Once i start snoring she wakes me up, i ask if i should go in the other room, she says no and she falls asleep until I start snoring again. This cycle has translated into me getting about 3-4 hours of sleep at a time. I joke that this is nature’s way of preparing us to be up at night with the baby.

There’s a lot to be done before our son gets here, a lot I’d like to do and even more to be done that I know I’m forgetting. A friend of mine suggested there is no point in worrying since it will be different than I can possibly imagine. Knowing that I’ll soon be a father has made me think a lot about parenthood. Long ago, I forgave my father for a lot of the things he did that parents, by all accounts, just shouldn’t do. Impending fatherhood has put all of it into perspective, I’m less tolerant now of some of his behavior and more forgiving of other behavior. I know it was hard for him and he did the best he could with the tools he had. Luckily, I have had to find more tools than I was taught and in many ways I have a good example for what doesn’t work.

More than anything the clock is ticking. I don’t know if this is a thing, but many friends of mine who are fathers have told me, having a kid made their careers take off. Already, I’m weighing the time I spend doing anything against time I could spend with my pregnant wife, getting things ready for my son’s arrival or moving my career forward. I’m increasingly intolerant of flakes, while at the same time more appreciative of good art. Art has become a powerful, necessary and a healthy escape from the monotony of earning living.

Somehow, it’s not about me. Soon my son will arrive, he won’t care if I’m a barista or a movie star, he will want me to be there for him, to love him, to hold him and mostly to just change his diaper.

I know one day he will look at me with hatred in his eyes, he will think I’m a failure no matter how successful I may or may not become. I just hope that by that time, I will have protected him, helped him grow, taught him what he needs to know (whatever that is), to adequately pursue whatever makes him happy in this life.

I’m not really afraid of becoming a father, perhaps I should be, mostly I know that the worries and the fears are endless, if I start down that path I’m not coming back. So I’m left with the only alternative I know, to believe in something other than myself. Mostly because whether i believe or not, things are going to happen, and worrying about them isn’t going to help. But believing in something allows me to do something more helpful for myself than trying not to be afraid (which I’ve tried… somehow that only makes things worse).

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Three weeks pregnant in Memphis

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4 Comments leave one →
  1. February 4, 2014 12:00 pm

    What a fabulous post!! So sweet and insightful.

  2. Danny Rose permalink
    February 4, 2014 4:57 pm

    Bravo, Cyrus. Take a bow, bro.

  3. March 9, 2014 10:01 pm

    Congrats! Being a Parent is one of the most beautiful experiences!

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