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Then and Now, some rambling thoughts.

March 3, 2014

We’re having a baby this month (more than likely) and I’m struck by how I feel so fully the same and completely different than I did 9-ish months ago. When I stood in the bathroom alone, staring at one strong pink line and its fainter, but definitely there, twin, I felt a pull under my sternum. It was the sensation of being pulled along behind a boat, or flying. So much excitement, joy, and terror. Cyrus was asleep. It was quiet. The birds were probably chirping, but in my memory there was no sound.

Last night was the same. Sound disappeared as I stood in the bathroom looking at my giant belly, streaked with stretch marks and indentations from the binder that I have to wear all the time since the version. The skin looks burned and scarred over. This could happen at any time, though probably not for at least a couple weeks. I feel the same pulling, empty, full, flying feeling.

Nothing makes sense when analyzed. The days have been both so long and so short. Weeks felt endless and now they’re on fast forward. I am here, but there. I’ve come so far to find myself standing in the exact same place. But different.

I know.

I’m struggling now with not having an answer to “when”. If I’m not careful, I will bide the time in my mind with what ifs- What if he doesn’t stay head down? What if something else happens and I need a cesarean? What if something goes terribly wrong and we don’t make it? Even putting these thoughts into words frightens me.

When they do take over my first idea is to do something, anything. Laundry, sorting, putting something together, alphabetizing my books, but that only pushes them. The only answer, the only surefire cure I know, is stillness, but it can be so hard to find. One breath, one moment, checking in with what is- works every time. Is it Jon Kabat-Zinn who says, “Don’t just do something, sit there”? Maybe he quoted it from somewhere else.

Who knew it could be so hard to just sit?


One Comment leave one →
  1. March 3, 2014 8:57 pm

    And after the tiny human is here you’ll be in such a completely different place than you are now. I’m happy and also very sad to say I almost completely forget what it was to be pregnant. And it was only two months ago! Oh how the journey into motherhood turns your life upside-down.

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