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Guilt Vacation

September 24, 2016

Cyrus and Eli have gone to run an errand. This is the first time he’s been willing to leave without me since Welles arrived. It was even his idea to go.

I’ve spent the last little while reveling in my tiny daughter, kissing her, smelling her, drinking her in. I wondered why I was feeling so free with the kisses, then it hit me- I didn’t feel guilty!

Eli told me last night that it makes him sad when I kiss Welles. I got caught kissing her twice. No one wants their baby to hurt, especially not because of their actions. But it’s not like I could stop being affectionate with her. So I’ve been trying to give him even more extra love and attention than I had been. It’s so hard though because I know that no matter what, it won’t be enough because there is no enough. It’s a transition without limits.

I’d like to have more time that I don’t feel suffocated by guilt. How do I let go so that I can fully appreciate the sweet moments?



2 Comments leave one →
  1. Marcy permalink
    September 24, 2016 6:42 pm

    Find a nurturing preschool for Eli for a few hours a couple times a week and then you have a little time to give Welles unconditional love while Eli is having fun. It works!

  2. September 26, 2016 6:11 am

    I really like the idea of a vacation from guilt. Let’s do it.

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